Discernment Counseling

For Couples on the Brink of Divorce

Is Your Relationship on the Brink of Divorce?

You look at your relationship and wonder, How did we end up here? What once felt familiar now feels like foreign territory. You no longer recognize the relationship—or perhaps even the people you have become within it.

You feel the distance between you. Conversations end in conflict, circle around the same painful places, or no longer happen at all. You feel alone even when you are together, and you can’t find your way back to one another.

Some days, you can’t stop thinking about what has gone wrong. You question whether the love is gone, buried beneath years of hurt, or still there but impossible to reach. You doubt that anything can really change—and you worry about making a decision you may later regret.

A DIFFERENT PLACE TO BEGIN

What is Discernment Counseling?

A way to slow down before choosing what comes next.

You are both hurting, but you are no longer in the same place. One of you is holding on to the hope that the relationship can be repaired. The other is unsure whether there is enough left to rebuild.

When one of you wants to work on the relationship and the other is unsure whether to stay, traditional couples therapy may not be the right place to begin.

Discernment Counseling offers a different kind of conversation: a place to understand how your relationship reached this point and become clearer and more confident about the direction you choose.

You may be coming from very different places

Which experience feels closer to where you are?

Choose the words that sound most like your life right now. Each choice opens the complete experience here on this page.

When you are still holding on

I’m afraid I’m losing my relationship.

Your partner has told you—or shown you—that they are no longer sure about the relationship. Suddenly, the life you thought you knew feels frighteningly uncertain.

You feel the ground shifting beneath you. Your mind races through everything that has gone wrong and everything you might still do to make it right. You want your partner to see what could change. You want a chance to repair what has been damaged before a decision is made that cannot be undone.

The fear of losing the relationship can create tremendous urgency. You find yourself explaining, apologizing, promising, pleading, or pushing for couples therapy. You may be trying to reach your partner at the very moment they feel the greatest need for distance.

Your hope is not the problem. The question is how to hold onto it without letting fear take over the conversation.

Discernment Counseling does not ask you to give up hope. It helps you slow the urgency enough to understand what has happened, recognize your own contribution to the patterns between you, and become clearer about what meaningful change would require.

In Discernment Counseling, this position is sometimes called the leaning-in partner: the person who wants to preserve the relationship and is willing to work to change it.

The other side of the relationship

What might this feel like for your partner?

Your partner may be living with exhaustion or uncertainty that looks very different from your fear and urgency. Understanding that experience does not require you to give up hope.

A shared process

You begin in different places. Discernment Counseling brings both experiences into the room.
When you are unsure you can keep going

I don’t know whether I want to stay.

You have been unhappy, disconnected, or alone in the relationship—perhaps for much longer than your partner fully understands. You are tired of having the same conversations and ending up in the same painful place.

Part of you may feel finished. Another part is not entirely certain. You question whether the love is gone, buried beneath years of hurt, or no longer enough. You wonder whether real change is possible—or whether trying again would simply prolong what has already become unbearable.

Now that divorce has entered the conversation, everyone seems to want an answer. Your partner may be frightened, urgent, angry, or suddenly promising that everything will change. Friends and family may have strong opinions. The pressure itself can make you want to pull farther away.

You do not have to defend your uncertainty or promise to stay in order to look more carefully before deciding.

Discernment Counseling gives you room to speak honestly, understand what has brought you here, and examine whether there are possibilities you have not fully considered—without assuming that the relationship should be saved.

In Discernment Counseling, this position is sometimes called the leaning-out partner: the person who is uncertain about staying and may be considering divorce.

The other side of the relationship

What might this feel like for your partner?

Your partner may be living with fear and urgency that look very different from your exhaustion or uncertainty. Understanding that experience does not require you to change your answer.

A shared process

You begin in different places. Discernment Counseling brings both experiences into the room.
What Discernment Counseling Offers

Clarity without pressure. Understanding without blame.

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Clarity about the direction that is right for your relationship.

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Confidence in a decision you have considered carefully—not one made only from fear, urgency, hurt, or exhaustion.

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Understanding of how the relationship reached this point and the part each of you has played.

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Personal learning you can carry forward, whatever path you choose.

The Process Ends With a Direction—Not a Predetermined Answer

Three Possible Paths

Path One

Continue the relationship as it is for now

Make no immediate change to the relationship or its current pattern.

Path Two

Move toward divorce

Choose divorce with greater clarity about how the relationship reached this point and what each person carries forward.

Path Three

Make an all-out effort in couples therapy

Commit to six months of couples therapy, with divorce off the table during that time and a personal agenda for change for each partner.

Brief and structured

What to Expect in Discernment Counseling

You attend together as a couple, but much of the essential work takes place in individual conversations with me. These conversations give each of you room to speak openly, better understand your own experience and contribution to the relationship, and move toward greater clarity and confidence about what comes next.

The rhythm of each session

Time together. Individual reflection. A clearer next step.

01

Begin together

We clarify what has brought you in, where each of you is beginning, and what you hope to gain from the conversation.

02

Meet individually

Each partner has individual time with me to speak openly and examine their own experience, choices, and contribution to the relationship.

03

Return together

We gather the learning, summarize what has become clearer, and consider whether another discernment session would be useful.

First session

2 hours

The first session begins with approximately 30–40 minutes together. This allows me to learn more about your relationship, what has brought you to this point, and what each of you hopes to gain from the process.

Because we spend more time together at the beginning, the individual conversations are somewhat shorter.

Sessions two through five

90 minutes

In later sessions, the opening conversation together is much briefer—often about five minutes—so that most of the session can be devoted to individual conversations.

The session concludes with a final summary and wrap-up together.

No automatic commitment

One session at a time

You commit to only one session at a time, with no expectation or obligation to complete all five.

During the individual conversations, I will discuss with each of you whether another session would be beneficial. I will also share my clinical assessment of where I believe each of you is in the discernment process and whether additional work is likely to help you make a more thoughtful and confident decision.

Another session is scheduled only if both of you choose to continue.

Whatever Path You Choose
Lasting clarity comes from becoming clearer about yourself—not simply more certain about what is wrong with your partner.

Regardless of the path ultimately chosen, the process is designed to help each person leave with a deeper understanding of themselves. That personal learning becomes valuable not only in this relationship, but in every important relationship.

Are We a Good Fit?

Discernment Counseling is designed for couples when:

  • One partner is leaning toward preserving the relationship while the other is uncertain whether to stay.
  • Divorce has entered the conversation, but a final decision has not been made.
  • The relationship has been affected by an affair or another significant betrayal.
  • Substance use has contributed to the relationship’s difficulties.
  • You have tried couples therapy before, but remain uncertain about what direction to take.
  • One partner is reluctant to begin traditional couples therapy or make another immediate commitment to repairing the relationship.

Discernment Counseling is not a good fit when:

  • There is an order of protection from the court.
  • There is domestic violence or concern for either person’s safety.
  • One partner is threatening, coercing, or attempting to force the other to participate.
  • One partner has made a final decision to divorce and is seeking counseling only to help the other partner accept that decision.
Format and Fees

Session Information

120-minute session

$600

90-minute session

$450

Sessions are offered by secure telehealth to couples located in New York State.

Begin an Inquiry

A BRIEF INTRODUCTION TO DISCERNMENT COUNSELING

Hear from Dr. Bill Doherty, Developer of Discernment Counseling

In this brief video, Dr. Bill Doherty explains how Discernment Counseling differs from traditional couples therapy and why it was developed specifically for couples who are not yet in the same place about the future of their relationship.

Read More About Sari

ABOUT SARI

For more than 30 years, I have worked with individuals, couples, and families at moments when familiar ways of coping are no longer working—and something important needs to change.

My work is grounded in a family-systems and relational perspective. Rather than locating the problem in one person, I help people understand the patterns they have created together, the protection inside those patterns, and the possibilities that become visible when blame begins to soften. I bring a relational, non-blaming approach to one of the hardest decisions a couple can face.

Discernment Counseling respects that two people can be in profoundly different places. My role is not to persuade either partner to stay or leave, and neither person is treated as the “good guy” or the “bad guy.” The work creates enough structure for each person to become clearer about themselves, their contribution to the relationship, and the path they are prepared to choose.

Begin an Inquiry

Interested in Discernment Counseling?

Every couple arrives at this point with a different history, different concerns, and often two very different perspectives about the marriage. Before deciding what would be most helpful, I would like to understand a little about what is happening in your relationship and what has led you to consider Discernment Counseling.

Please use the form below to tell me briefly about your current situation. A few sentences are enough, and you do not need to provide a detailed history at this stage.

You are welcome to reach out even if your spouse has not yet reviewed this page or is uncertain about participating. After I review your inquiry, I will respond personally and help you determine the most useful next step.